Author: merina

A strange bus ride

We were going somewhere in a bus. It was a bus where you could sleep. And it also had a little sitting area outside complete with a sofa and a coffee table.
We were together but not really together. And after that I saw the whole group that meets in the bus later, is walking down a hallway, which looked mostly likely a college. They are all my friends and I look at them two as if knowing what they will say and it was that I will be seeing her in the bus. Now ‘her’ was someone who I’ll introduce later.
The bus also had a terrace that you can go to and conveniently enough, it started to rain and everyone started to ascend upstairs without anyone having to suggest it. I started to go up too and I glanced upon her suddenly, looking sideways, but she didn’t see me. I hurried and went up. I didn’t see what happened upstairs but when I came down I knew I had had a good time because I was smiling.
But then, I am seen the next morning in the sitting area outside with coffee. She came to me and I thought I was trapped because I had known what had she come to tell me.
She looked at the guy as if asking for a push who looked a friend of hers. In response, he blinked and gestured his fist as if in ‘go for it’. She was having difficulty trying to tell me something and I had known why, but half was because she simply wasn’t good at it.
She started and in a broken manner of saying it, told me that she likes him a lot and she has liked him since a long time but it was me who was now there dominant in his mind with a tone knowing I didn’t care so much about the fact. She had a feeling of hatred and intimidation towards me that I could only try to ease with a genuine smile and I did. Which didn’t help.
She continued telling me that everyone else were in her support as if knowing it would be hard time convincing my parents. But I didn’t tell her it was never my agenda to be with him like she had always wanted to be.
But I knew he had wanted it.
I was back in the night, previous. I had come back to my seat while dripping water on the seats which had turned to typical bus seats with Rexine covers. I realised my slippers were missing and I started to look for them under the seats and while looking I reached the end of the seat, where he was pretending to sleep with his head resting on his folded arm.
I sat with a thud in the little space in front of him as if the world knew my slippers were there, under the longest seat which is at the back.
Then, as if knowing what had happened in the morning, he held me tightly as if pleading me not to go. My stomach did a flip inside and I froze in my seat. I could not move and next, as if without any movement we had fallen into each others arms, hugging and a warm feeling ran inside of me and my breathing started to slow as I felt relaxed for the first time in years.
And then, I woke up.
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I have that look. The impenetrable look of disconcern, the look of solid, well-knit defence that protects me, the look that needs to turn into a behavior, that I know will keep enemies at bay. It is also a look of patience, that absorbs all that is evil and what spells hatred. The look deceives me sometimes and judges wrongly but I am too scared to lose it for it has mostly been faithful. 

This look works in the world of civilised beings though, it doesn’t work with goons. It is a look that moves with me and is not afraid of people as whole but what isn’t good in them and it becomes a shield for the good in me. The look has become an attitude that may not be as likeable and sometimes becomes stupid, unwilling and impatient to judge correctly. I’m scared that it might hurt the good in others and it does. 

For I don’t like to sketch (or trace on Illustrator) hair as they are, I like to play, let my hand go astray with it,

For let the astray be astray, 

Let the tune find it’s own way, let it meet it’s own on it’s own,

Let me be incomplete, let me incompetent, let me be stupid,

Let me love, oh let me love, 

Let me go.

unicorn, I be

For I be this lonely unicorn,

Trotting slowly forward,

I look up,  and see nothing, 

So I look down in comfort.

I have embodied everything that is nice in the world,

Yet I feel incomplete.

I look and look for the rainbow, 

But all I find is cold thunder,

Shuddering me back into myself.

‘I’m ready for the world now!’, I shout,

But I know I’m too late.

The horn I possess is worthless now,

I leave it to fate.

सफर

Do not share,

Keep it to yourself and suffer.

No one else has the courage or strength,

It’s not wrong,

You’re wrong to say wrong,

Find purpose in the petty,

Someday someone will find what you wrote,

And cry,

And regret,

It’s over, then,

You purpose,

moksha.

a therapy

Never liked the feeling, never will,

The crust on my hands, the dry, 

coat of doom,

Feels like don’t want to feel like,

Never rub!

If acquired, delay death but rid self of,

The smell,

Entrapment made of hatred and just…

NOh! Never smell the smell of depression,

The smell of your day ruined, 

Rid yourself,

Anything fluid,

No nothing.
Actually just water and cleaning,

Just water and cleaning,

Water and cleaning,

Water

Itselfistherapy,

Latherwaterlatherwater

Drying up and creaming 

Smells like your favourite dream, like something you love to eat, something you’d want to eat, 

Eat somedon’t

Smell

Smell, and rub, now,

Absorb sanity

Perfection

Repeat.

.ordont

Hush the voices in my head,

Show me what can silence them,

Tell me you feel them too,

Tell me you don’t know either,

I am looking for an end, 

That’s for sure,

Don’t know what lies there though,

I don’t want to look in my cupboard,

I want to shut the door again,

I don’t want to put my hand there,

Please do it for me