Unfinished

I find myself in some house in the middle of the night,

There were a lot of men around, most were young,

I got up and saw her getting ready to sleep with another man,

She saw me and appeared slightly uncomfortable but carried on still,

I felt the same feeling I’d never been able to get over,

I came and lay on my bed, obviously wide awake,

Then comes the next morning and we are walking on a bare land from an aerial view,

I realized we are actually walking away from the crocodiles, but no one seems to be rushing to be saved,

She was the last amongst us walking towards something tall to climb to save ourselves,

We were yelling hurry, but she was walking with her head hung down, unaware or defeated, I couldn’t tell,

The crocodile got her leg and dragged her to a corner,

Blood drained from my body as my sister said, nothing could be done now and I thought about everyone else that had met with that fate,

I couldn’t give up, I went to save her and I saw her pushing it’s jaws, which hit home so badly I could feel the black coming to my eyes,

I asked her to hit it with a big rock, it was laughable and I got mad, I said harder, and she laughed, I didn’t, 

I couldn’t see it anymore, 

so I opened my eyes. 

Whereislove?

Whereislove?
Crazy, spontaneous, all consuming
Unconscious, whatever…
It will stay inside forever,
For no one can reciprocate that,
It has become weaker,
For it is just yours alone,
It doesn’t mixwith another
Becausesociety.
Because other fake pretentious loves
Because you are scared
Scared
Forget it
Readidealarticles
Be perfecTT.
Scare others

Cry at home alone
Scroll up on the screen

I’m with you

Come, give me your hand,

It’s alright,

It’s just dark,

And I’m just like you,

I can’t see anything either,

But I can feel what you can feel,

I hear your hollow laughter,

And I laugh with you,

Can you hear me?

Don’t let go,

Keep walking,

Keep walking with me.

 

 

Adult, really?

She had most certainly grown into an adult much before I had but I had known even then, and I had hated her even then to already be a person that I may have aspired to become in the coming years. She had gone when I had come. 

I tried to squeeze in as much I could in those two years of what she had squeezed in as well, only with better opportunities and a sharper intellect that can only be original. Of course I love her. She was and still is a person. She is like me, so. Lost and anxious, she is too, and she will be and she will like it. I hope no one understands her ever and she is alone in all her endeavors or whatever she takes up. That’s the only way she’ll be original and inspire me, eventually.

And I, am still struggling to keep my head above and not be bogged down by mediocrity and declare myself a part of it. Yes, such self aware revelations happen to me almost everyday and the questions about myself have to be answered. Everyone else can go screw themselves. I love them but I don’t care. 

And I don’t want to twist my words. Is that too bad? Isn’t it horrible to twist the truth? People don’t always get it do they? Why do adults suck so much? I wish I never lose this. 

His daughter

He had his daughter with him and we were outside the gate of the society where I previously lived. She was very little and yet he told us that she isn’t developed so well and cannot emote some things. It was odd. There was someone else with me too but his picture was blurry like it always has been. But I know who it was this time.
I took his daughter and walked towards the society and kept walking. There was another person walking outside and he had a dog in his hand. For some odd reason I thought I had a cat in my hand and I just imagined touching the dog and walked away.
I reached the crux where two lanes meet and one would probably take me to his house. I asked the guy who was with me whether it was his house. He said yes and I walked towards it.
I looked at the little girl and I realised it was a girl and not a cat but there was an emotion towards her I really couldn’t fathom.
I reached his house and found my cat there. And it came as no surprise to me somehow. The girl in my hand switched back to a cat and suddenly there were a lot of cats in the house. I asked my cat to scare all the cats away to protect the cat in my hand. I felt really bad for making my cat do this. I came outside and the house changed into one of my aunt’s who lives in Nadiad. She has a lot of cats coming over all the time.
And this is when I woke up.

.

I’m now scared of others too,
And I now see what you wanted me to be scared of,
They are too clear,
And they come in masses,
They come and attack,
Attack the only good thing in the world,
Until it is covered in blood,
Until nothing can be done about it.
If you’ve been attacked before,
You’ll be attacked with a bigger blow,
Just to see how much of life is left,
Stay unflinched
And prepare for another blow,
Yes the previous blow had hit,
It’s still bleeding inside,
But it’s inside.
Of course you’re dying,
We all are.
Doomsday?
Let’s bring it closer.

20 things to…

Does the phrase sound familiar? This is the beginning of every article we read these days either for fun or self-validation. I know exactly what it was for me and it was most definitely not fun. And it probably even includes this page I have so religiously sworn by and recommended to others. I don’t want to blame internet as a whole, after all it has only helped in gaining my confidence back but then I have misused it to be be driven by it. But I wonder haven’t each one of us all?

But coming back to these articles, on self help and career or relationship advice, are we reading too much into it or am I the only one? Is being jobless making me too dependent on it? Of course it is true but aren’t there articles that are telling you how job culture and job life makes us drones in the hands of a routine life you cannot escape? And then come all the articles about traveling and all the exotic places you should see and all the cultures you should know about. Well guess what? None of that comes free. When a person like me dreams of such realities, they have to think of in terms money every time. If I am thinking I want to learn about a new culture, I’m only thinking I should actually take it up as a course and study abroad to also make a degree out of it and studying abroad requires money too, so think of scholarships, but then you don’t get the college of your choice or a chance to study abroad at all. And the urge to learn about a new culture fades as rapidly as it had occurred. I wonder if this happens to everyone or are there people actually proactive about it? I would want to devote myself to a particular thing without having any expectations as to what would I gain from even before indulging in it.

So are these articles now holding us back from doing something and is social media judging us too much to move forward on life without feeling like complete losers? It will never be enough for anyone to achieve something in life. I know there should be someone who thinks they could be like me but I know the chances have started to fade lately. To have a purpose in life is a good thing but I am scared to be judged at all times and I know there are a lot like me feeling the same anxiety of what next. Because to gain a level of trust, you need to lay a whole foundation around yourself to show you’re capable.

I remember this one incident when I was traveling with my mother to Vijaipur a year ago and I reached the end of the compartment and there was confusion about the number of our seats because apparently, there were two seats of the same number (I have no idea how) and we came to a group who were South Indians (Tamilians mostly). They were all old and most of them had white hair. I found the numbers of our seats there and thought they were sitting in our seats, and not just that, I assumed they were traveling without reservation in our seats. I suddenly became very defensive and also offensive as I picked up my stance and started to act like an activist whose rights have been violated. I asked them to show their tickets, ready to pounce upon them and feel like a triumphant. The TT came just in time to save them and told me there was confusion about the numbers and our seats were on the other end of the coach. I was slightly embarrassed but then I heard them talking and one of them said something (I didn’t hear) to which the other replied,’It is not her problem, it is their upbringing’. And I heard it but it took me a while to realize that it was about me. And when I did, I couldn’t feel worse and the way I asked flashed before my eyes and I couldn’t feel more shameful. I decided to walk up to them and apologize. I told them I had realized I was very rude and that I was sorry. And you know what did they say? They said they already did. It felt even worse because there was absolutely nothing I could about it, ever except feel pity for myself until I faced a similar situation in future. But this event was etched very deeply in my memory and I can still remember it because there have been a thousand incidents after that where I haven’t trusted people and hurt them on top of that. One such happened on my mother’s birthday. He was just trying to sell coupons which only would benefit from and he really wasn’t trying to act smart. I was a fool and there was no turning time back, ever.

So this article is about not reading so many articles and going a little easy on people. Not everyone is trying to act smart or con you. Trust people and go easy on your brain. Let heart take over sometimes. And to be sure, take your head out of the screen and meet real people. Really. And this is a note to myself too.